G) Buy a new guitar. For $3,000, it really should have a failsafe or something.
(Click here to read the previous chapter in the series if you have no idea what is happening. Or even if you do.)
So you spend all service in between delay riffs, on the Gear Talk Classifieds on your phone, buying a new guitar from a new builder with no reputation. So you know it’s going to be good.
The service, needless to say, is kind of a blur for you. A blur of imaginary internet tone. Which is the best kind of tone. Before you know it, you’re back on stage, never having opened your Bible, your guitar is back in your hands, and the pastor is pre-closing in prayer. You know, the one before the worship leader decides to pray and really close it out, maybe with a mini sermon too. Because the pastor did a pretty good job, but…
Ohp, he just said traveling mercies, he’s nearing the end of his prayer. Hedge of protection is next, and then an out of context quote from Joshua. You don’t have much time. Deftly you place your fingers into the blessed G…wait for it…major 7th…not done…add 9 chord, ease your heel down on your This1sMyne-used-to-be-Ernie-Ball volume pedal, and get ready to ever so emotionally swell into the underscore of the pastor’s closing words. Because the Spirit of God doesn’t inhabit prayer, or the praises of His people; nope, He inhabits our minor 6th chords, obviously. You crush your guitar gently with your $30 dollar hand-carved obsidian stone pick, and in the instant before you can smoothly slide that volume pedal up, you realize in horror that your Gmaj7(add9) with layers upon layers of $2 fuzz circuit housed in a $500 boutique casing is already cascading off the walls of the church! Your volume pedal wasn’t engaged! Curse your modded volume pedal with its true bypass switch so that you can get that extra .01% of treble without actually having to turn the treble knob on your amp!
Quick as the meteoric rise and fall of yet another “boutique” pedal company with borderline sacrilegious churchy names, you…
A) Look disdainfully at the other guitarist. He has the bigger pedalboard anyway. It’s a foolproof plan.
B) Just crush it. Seamlessly flow into a face-melter. Underscore that pastor like it’s Pointe Break.
C) Join the rest of the congregation in staring incredulously back at the sound guy for his obvious mistake.
D) Bend down and grab the time knob of your Memory Lane and skillfully shift the cacophony of sound into beautifully glistening alien saucers landing ambiently.
E) Stare out at the congregation with your shoulders shrugged as if to say, “Ya, I really don’t know what I’m doing up here.”
F) Try to then engage your volume pedal and save it, by hitting that clunky true bypass switch…”Ka-THUNK…THUNK…thunk…thunk…thunk…”
G) Blame the Avioms.
H) Laugh a little, cry a little, pray a little.
J) Do a guitar drop and walk off the stage like a legend.
You know, just to remind us we’re probably not as rad as we just almost subconsciously always think we are.