Alright. It’s time. And remember, as always, ‘if you can’t have a sense of humour (British spelling…because I’m cool and indie and oh so Brit…just look at my jacket) about yourself, your life is going to seem a lot longer than you’d like it to be.’ I give you……you know you’re a worship leader when…

  • when you schedule a bass player on the team each weekend because all the cool worship bands have a bass player; but you’re not entirely sure what it is a bass player does
  • when you don’t wear shoes, because the stage is ‘holy ground’
  • when you insist on having reverb in your monitor
  • when you don’t know what type of guitar you play, because you just walked into Guitar Center and said, ‘I want the worship leader guitar’, and the sales guy handed you one. (And just so you know, you play a Taylor.)
  • when you insist on being cranked in everyone’s monitor, and insist on playing your acoustic during the bass solo, and then can’t figure out why the drummer can’t follow the bass player over your acoustic ‘filling in the dead space’
  • when your current style of hair is directly concurrent to Lincoln Brewster’s current style of hair
  • and if you’re really on the edge, it’s Jon Foreman’s style of hair
  • when you refuse to say Switchfoot, and must refer to their singer as Jon Foreman
  • when you’ve already watched the youtube clips of the opening night of the U2 360 tour, and are seriously thinking about putting the worship team in the middle of the sanctuary this weekend
  • when you don’t bring an mp3 of the new song you threw into the set that morning, but are insistent that the drummer will be able to tell from your words, ‘The intro goes like, da da DA, do da-da-da DA!’
  • when you have an effects board because your lead guitarist has one and he looks really cool with it, but you’re not exactly sure what to do with it, and your electric guitarist ends up plugging it in for you each week
  • when you bring sheet music in G, and then say, ‘We’re going to capo this on 3,4,5, or 6…I’m not sure yet’
  • and when your bass player looks at you with the ‘there’s no way you seriously just said that’ look, you say, ‘What, you can’t transpose?’
  • when you sing the lyrics to ‘With or Without You’ during the ‘Majesty’ chorus because you just heard the brand new and ultra-hip band Third Day do it
  • when you sing the ‘With or Without You’ lyrics wrong
  • when you get ticked off at the computer person for not being able to follow you on the slides and backgrounds when you sang said ‘With or Without You’ lyrics…wrongly
  • when you can literally make an argument in your head for how ‘With or Without You’ can actually have a Christian meaning
  • when you can’t literally make an argument in your head for how ‘With or Without You’ can actually have a Christian meaning, but you still want to sing it anyway, so you change the lyrics to, ‘I can live……with or wi-i-ith You’
  • when you don’t run a tuner on stage for your guitar, but then always look at everyone else when something sounds out of tune
  • when you ask the guitarist to play ‘that crunchy space-sounding thing that ‘Dave’ who played last weekend did on this song’
  • when all your ‘gigs’ listed on your myspace music homepage are all curiously listed at 10 AM on Sunday, at the same location each week
  • when you ask the keyboardist if he’s sure he’s in tune
  • when you cycle through 27 background vocalists because no one ‘blends well’ with you, before thinking that maybe you’re the one off-key
  • when the keyboardist asks if the F#m you wrote on the sheet music might actually be a D/F#, and you say, ‘Same thing.’
  • when you raise the key on Phil Wickham songs
  • when you insist on the drummer being on a click track, but don’t like one in your ears, but then still want to start every song yourself
  • when you play the 17 minute epic rock-opera Mutemath song that no one’s ever heard, start it ambient and a-tempo, don’t play ‘exactly’ in tempo with the backing loop, repeat the ending chorus 33.5 times of accapella, and then when the congregation gives you the blank stare instead of singing, you say, ‘They just don’t understand worship.’
  • when you choose your worship setlists in accordance with what will look the coolest on your blog
  • when you’ve desperately searched everywhere for the last 10 years to try to find a definition of ‘post-modern’ because you’ve heard every worship leader in existence talk about it, but you’ve never really heard what it actually means and how to be it
  • when you finally realize that all you have to do to be post-modern is to describe yourself as such……oh, and to think that Lifehouse is still edgy and relevant

Splendid.
Karl.