You’re on stage. Fingers deftly sliding down from the 17th fret as you end the big, driving anti-solo. You hit your TC Nova delay off so that the delay continues to trail into sweet oblivion from your incredibly gut-summoningly well-placed notes, but does not delay further the big chord you are about to hit, finishing off the worship with the tonal glory of a G chord into a Top Hat Club Royale pushed onto the verge of breakup by a BJFe-modded Klon with Toneczar knobs running at 14.9 volts. (Your DD20 is still on, though…turning off dotted eighths is an absolute death sentence for people’s connection to God through the music.) The church is in harrowing suspense. You have pushed worship to its crying point. You know there will be applause after this one. Your fingers move to the chord fingering. Your shoulders contract into the ‘I’m-a-rockstar-but-don’t-look-at-me-it’s-all-for-Jesus’ pose for the Herdim pick strum. Here it comes. And then…………
……you hear it. The worship leader has just accidentally prayed, ‘God, in this place today, You worship us.’ He stops. Sweat is pouring from his Kevin Max-esque locks, dripping over his Top Gun shades, and onto his 1980′s running shoes. His face turns whiter than it normally is. His whole body starts to quiver, so much so that the capo shifts back onto the proper fret. He tries to say something, but his lips freeze. He’s done.
You close your eyes, but only for a split second. You know what must be done. It’s in your capable hands now…the moment you’ve been waiting for. With the speed, dynamics, and agility of a British-made Vox AC30 with a modded tone-stack, you…………
A) Grab the microphone and quick say something about ‘the nations rising in victory’ (doesn’t really matter what you’re talking about, or if you clarify that you mean ‘God’ or not……just as long as you use the terms ‘nations’ and ‘victory’) to distract the congregation with their own spontaneous applause and ‘Amen’ chorus in response to the magic worship words…
B) Grab the trem bar and do some reverse-hand finger-tap face melting so that no one remembers what he said because they’ll be too focused on you (sure, you’re taking the fall for him, but you’re also showing what you can ‘really’ do, but choose not to each week because of your fantastic level of humility)
C) Turn on more delay
D) Take the microphone and calmly announce that due to blasphemy and the constant lack of proper sheet music, you’ll be taking over all subsequent worship duties at the church
E) Drop to your knees, lift your hands in the air, and sing the chorus again accapella, pretending that you were so engrossed in worship that you didn’t hear the worship leader’s phrase slip-up, so that everyone knows who the ‘really’ pious one on the team is
F) Chuckle openly
G) Still hit the big G chord, but not before also hitting a Hermida Zendrive, MJM London Fuzz, 2 Way Huge Green Rhino’s, and a vintage ProCo Rat (with original LM308 chip, of course) in order to effectively drown out any more accidental heresy that may subsequently come out of the worship leader’s mouth
H) Play the ‘Where the Streets Have No Name’ intro. No reason.
I) Realize that no one is going to remember anything else about worship that day besides what the worship leader just said, and turn your amp up to 11. And once you’re there, you just gotta Van Halen it…
J) See that no one is going to pray after worship (which is unthinkable, of course), take the microphone and show off your spiritual gift of ‘prayer warrior-ness’ (which you absolutely just know is in the Bible) and proceed to give the prayer the worship leader always should have given, complete with lots of forceful ‘in Jesus’ name’s’ (which everyone knows are the magic words to get God to do something……couldn’t possibly be that John 14 is talking about actually checking yourself to make sure you’re praying in Jesus’ will), and more ‘nations’, ‘rising’, and ‘victory’
K) Try to catch the eye of people you know in the congregation and mouth, ‘Did you hear that?!’
L) Walk up to the worship leader’s pedalboard and take your Analogman Bi-Chorus back (he doesn’t deserve it now)
M) Throw down your guitar and cower behind the drum shield in case there’s a bit of a lightning episode
N) Close your eyes and let the feeling of it actually being the worship leader who messed up and not you, just wash over you like a warm blanket of validation. Then chase that feeling.
O) Have the Matthew 18 ‘if you’re brother is in sin’ talk with the worship leader, right there on stage
P) Go over to worship leader’s pedalboard and turn on his delay pedal. I don’t feel the need to explain further.
Q) Be very glad you’re not leading worship this week, and come back to give whatever you got to God the next week
And by the way, this is not actually a ‘serious’ post. I shouldn’t have to clarify that, but…… If you’re taking more than 8 seconds deciding on an ending, take a break, go listen to some Fleet Foxes, read some verses from your Bible, drink some non-alcoholic sparkling fruit juice (if you’ve yet to discover Izze’s, I’m convinced that’s what ‘Lovers in Japan’ was written about) while watching ‘What Not to Wear’ (that’s seriously a good show!), and come back. Oh ya, and you can’t choose ‘Q’.