The Things I Never Thought I'd Do (…and, of Course, Made a Huge Deal About Never Doing)
I am very opinionated. At least in my head. Sure, I’ll smile and nod and say, ‘What great tone you have’ and ‘Sure! As long as your Vox Valvetronix makes you happy’; but inside, ooh, scariness of self-verified lofty facts…uh, I mean, opinions. And every once in a while God says, ‘Here you go. Humility for you.’ And I’m reminded of all the things I have told people (numerous times) that I would never do, and not without lists of reasons, as well. And then, well…ya. This is the list of things that I would never, ever, in a million years do. And yes, they are all real, have all been proven to be lies, and have been broadcast quite loudly at one time or another.
- Buy a boutique pedal.
- Play the Lincoln Brewster solo to ‘Everlasting God’. (And let me add that I probably did not do it very well, either. hehe Hacking was definitely involved.)
- Buy a Divided by 13.
- Sell a Divided by 13.
- Go back into a Guitar Center ever again.
- Watch ‘Friends’.
- Enjoy ‘Friends’.
- Ask my wife if we can watch more ‘Friends’.
- Spend more than $300 on a guitar.
- Play out of only one amp.
- Sell my Hollands.
- Live in the desert of Southern California by choice. Sure, they’ve planted a lot of trees and grass and such (miraculously) out here. But when it gets to be 194 degrees with 800% humidity, at 10 o’clock at night, nobody’s fooled. It’s the desert. And those numbers are not exaggerated. Temperature is relative, and my face melted off today without the benfit of a guitar solo. Hence, I’m sticking with 194 degrees. Don’t bother me with thermometers.
- Tell the congregation to ‘put their hands together’ during worship.
- Consider buying a Taylor. Yep. Even the ‘consideration’ of it was at one time unthinkable.
- Enjoy playing a Boss pedal.
- Give the John Mayer note bend face in worship.
- Go into a Starbucks. I thought this one would be easy, as I don’t drink caffeine. (It’s a drug. Just watch. In 15 years, it’ll be illegal, and people will have ‘bean labs’ in their garages. ……… Stop laughing.) But their water is fantastic! And I just found out they have smoothies. My wife says they’ve had them for years. Observation is one of my strong points.
- Use any type of volume control on an amp. (Yes. That one is true. You wouldn’t believe how many people walk around deaf to this day, because of the barrage of 150 watt delay mush that hit them in their headache. And the headache was from me, too.)
- Buy a Lovepedal.
- Use a digital delay. (True.)
- Need tap tempo. (Oh, yikes.)
- Have a big boy crush on Brad Pitt.
- Like music without any guitar solos or mixolydian modes.
- Give a man a kiss. (But that has only been my closest friends at each of their weddings, and only a Biblical one, on the cheek. And I pretended they were The Edge when I did it.)
- And finally, start a blog.
Splendid. (Well, depending on how you look at some of those.)
- Pschew! Pschew! (Those are the Sounds of the Bullets)
- At the Music Store
- It’s Time…Cloning Pedals
- How to Convince the World You’re a Rockstar
- Sensible Rock
- Everyone is Wrong but Me
- I Need to Stop Saying Things
- Make-Up Reviews: Empress SuperDelay, Fender Twin Reverb, & First Act VW
- Blindfolded Tone Part 1: The Power of the Blue LED