If I Ruled the World

I think musicians should rule the world. Life would be much more toneful. And that of course being the point of life, life would then be perfect. And if you now make just a few egocentric logical leaps, we can quite fairly come to the conclusion that musicians are perfect. So as a perfect musician who is looking forward to ruling all the civilians (non-musicians) one day, I would like to hereby ban the following phrases from all gear message boards:

–’Hands Down’–

Example:

SRVStratorawk: “What is the best compressor for that Jimi Hendrix post-punk sound?”

EpiTone: “Barber Tone Press, hands down.”

OnlyGibsons: “What other compressors have you tried it against?”

EpiTone: “My friend’s Barber Tone Press.”

–’Nails’–

Example:

FenderForever: “Which amp will get me closest to that Gilmour-esque” tone?”

DreamsofEpicness: “My Fender Frontman with a Digitech Bad Monkey hitting its front end just nails that Gilmour tone.”

(Other people will then comment, but I think this speaks for itself. Oh, and ‘Gilmour-esque’ should be banned as well.)

–’Tone for Days’–

Example:

Nope. Just don’t do it. Ever.

–’Delivered to Your Door’–

Thank goodness! Because the last guy chose the Fedex option ‘Delivered to the Target Down the Road’, and I had to go pick it up and risk seeing Robert Pattinson’s face plastered everywhere. Seriously, people. Are we all idiots and if we’re choosing between two Xotic AC Booster’s at the exact same price, we’re going to go with the one that says ‘delivered to your door’?

I’m so banning these when I rule the world. Oh, and I will also decree Robert Pattinson as not existing.

Splendid.
Karl.

27 thoughts on “If I Ruled the World

  1. Phillip–uh-oh. I thought it was common knowledge. If it wasn’t, I’ve got some serious explaining as to why I know his name. haha

    Colty–lol

    Sal–you are making me cry literal tears right now.

    But nonetheless, good form! ;)

    TimH–absolutely.

  2. I had somebody once tell me after a worship service that the solo I played during the offering was very Gilmour-esque. Hmmmm….I kinda took it as a compliment. Hands down. I nailed it. Because….I got tone for day. And it got….delivered to my door.

  3. Robert Pattinson….
    Only reason I know this tidbit is because my wife is a teacher. And because the internet is my mode to escape this “Twilight” nonesense….

    thanks Karl. You brought it back up….

    is having a “Pink Floyd” tone the same as a “Gilmour-esque” tone?
    One song I was told that. Course, its nothing compared to nailing the Robert Pattinson tone.

  4. Straight from the July 24th post:

    “lines that wrapped around 4 downtown blocks of girls waiting to see the guy from Twilight…and for once I don’t know the actor’s name, and I would like to keep it that way…”

  5. Gee Karl, short post, eh!? :)

    Ah, the joys of chasing sounds! Over the years (and many $$$), I’ve been on the perpetual mission of chasing the “Holy Grail” of particular tonal voicings… I love that soaring violin-quality of Eric Johnson’s tone; the ornery squeal of Steve Vai’s rig; the blurred harmonic overtones of Jeff Beck’s sound… With each new acquisition (check one or more of the following __ guitar; ___ fx pedal; ___ amp; ___ …), I add the new addition to my rig and initially proclaim, “At last, I’VE FOUND IT!!!”,…

    … to which my wife says, “Didn’t you say the same thing about your last acquisition? (which is now either being sold on eBay, being handed down to one of the other guitar players on our worship team or one of my relatives, or being moved to the case in which I keep moth-balled gear)

    However, like Solomon observed about the subject of learning new things in Ecclesiastes, there’s no end to chasing sound…

    I’ve finally come to grips (at 51 years of age) with something I read several years ago about us guitar players — the majority of the sound we wring out of our instruments comes from our hands and the technical aspects of our playing. I’ve found it amusing that even when I pick up someone else’s axe, I still sound like me (LOL!).

    So… Having promised my wife that my custom-built Tom Anderson drop top is the last (electric) guitar I will ever buy and my Mesa-Boogie Lonestar Special is my last tube amp, I’ve decided to devote more of my energy in milking everything I can tonally from my current setup (including all the intervening pedals that sit in my signal chain) and being comfortable with being “me”.

    However… I sure like some of the features of that Damage Control Timeline delay pedal. Hmmm… :)

  6. Mike O. You nailed it.

    Oops! Sorry Supreme Tone-Overlord Reverberated Karl. I forgot about the ban.

    Maybe I’ll call you STORK for short…

    Browsing TGP the other day, I was rather proud of myself for resisting the temptation to open a thread titled, “What pedal will make my electric sound like a steel string?”

    Good post Stork.

  7. Okay, first off…I’m not sure if you guys realize it or not, but most of you seem to be using some of the exact phrases I just put a ban on. I mean, I’m not angry or anything, just fyi. ;) hehehe

    Larry–lol Yes, but I brought him up to hereby declare he doesn’t exist! My intentions were good! hehe And does he have tone? If he does, I bet it sounds like 1994 technology digital modeling tone. ;) Oooh, that was a bit below the belt. Never mind…I don’t wish that tone on anybody. hehe

    LePaul–oh my. Sweet mercy, I have absolutely no defense for that one. haha Yikes.

    Mike–haha Awesome comment! I’m the same way. I’ve found ‘that tone’ a million times……….for like a week. haha Oh, us guitar players. But you’re right…as important as the right gear if for tone, we cannot neglect our hands and minds in getting the right tone either. I’ve been thinking lately how important it is to have gear that fits tonally with the way your hands and mind tend to sound. That’s probably a whole ‘nother post. haha And yes, this was a short one! (For once.) ;)

    Tom–*sigh* Not sure what else I expected from a post like this. Except that I really do intend to rule the world one day. And if you can find a way to add some delay into that title, it’d be much appreciated. ;)

    And props for passing by that thread! I’m gonna go look for it right now. hehe

    Rhoy–it appears this post is bringing consequences I did not intend. lol :)

  8. Yeah, I also hate “tone for days”. Do they mean infinate sustain? In which case, I’m sure I still have an e-bow from the 90′s somewhere in all my stuff that should answer all my tone needs. If they mean tone-that-will-only-last-for-a-few-days, that sucks too! I want a lifetime of tone. Mmmm, tone.
    It just sounds like wal-mart advertising. Blech.
    Maybe we should start a new forum that has a 20 question questionaire that you have to score at least 18/20 before you can post on it. It could attain all kinds of tone nerdiness previously uncharted and you could avoid less-than-informed opinions. Maybe when you become supreme-dicator-for-life this can be one of your first edicts. (sorry about all the hyphenated-can’t-say-what-I-really-mean-in-an-articulated-way phrases) Maybe you can ban those too.

  9. Mark, your tone-for-days comment is hereby declared Comment of the Day. lol Oh, how I wish I had the power to ‘hereby declare’ things. Oh well. Pretending is pretty cool, too! ;)

    I love the test idea! Although I think I’d probably fail it, myself. I’d probably say ‘transparent’ and ‘organic’ waaaay too much. lol

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