The word ‘post.’

It can be used for whatever you like, and always makes you sound not only intelligent, but indie-intelligent. Just put ‘post’ before any thing you like, and you automatically sound like a college-educated artist with a hobbit-half-beard, sitting in a non-chain coffee shop on the post-fashionable (see what I just did there?) side of London. Well, at least in your mind. The church has been doing it for years. ‘Ya, we’re a post-modern church.’ No one knows what it means, but it sounds fantastic! Seriously! You should try it.

‘What type of effect was that?’
‘Oh, just kind of a post-delay type sound.’

What does that mean? I don’t know. Sure sounds cool, though. And as a bonus, no one can really wrap their minds around what it means; yet it doesn’t quite sound like nonsense. So, not only do you sound cool, you also get this rad emperor’s-new-clothes effect……where no one wants to say that they have no idea what you’re talking about out of fear of not sounding as cool as you quite obviously are. Genius. Sure, it’s supposed to mean ‘after’ or ‘later.’ But does that stop us? Oh, absolutely not.

‘How would you describe your band’s sound?’
‘Eh, kind of like a post-grunge quasi-Eddie Vedder style.’

(‘Quasi’ is another awesome one.)

‘How’s the food here?’
‘It’s good. Like a post-euro lounge menu.’

‘Did you like that movie?’
‘It was alright. Little too post-noir for me.’

‘How should you keep your tone even at low volumes?’
‘Post-phase inverter master volume.’

(Wait, that one’s real.) ‘Post-true bypass.’ (There we go!)

‘What do you do for a living?’
‘It’s like a post-economy marketing portfolio.’

‘What type of tubes should I get?’
‘Look for some JJ’s. They have this killer post-vintage sound.’

‘What denomination is your church?’
‘You know. We’re part of that new post-non-denominational movement.’

‘What time is it?
‘Eh, around post-6:30.’

(That one actually works. Try it.)

‘How do you run your ministry?’
‘We try to use the post-John-Piper model.’

‘Did you leave your headlights on?’
‘No, I’ve got that post-Audi technology in my car.’

‘Did you drop your watch?’

(Oh ya.)

‘What do you believe?’
‘I’m part of that post-Judeo-Christian mindset.’

Greatest invention ever. Intellectual-cool, without any need of the ‘intellect’ that normally accompanies ‘intellectual.’ And I’m definitely using this from now on. Watch out for my new ‘Post Ooh-Wah Demo.’ :)