How to Convince the World You’re a Rockstar

As the holidays approach, we sometimes have to struggle to maintain keeping focus on the right thing. Which is of course, namely, winning the obligatory and inherently competitive ‘How’s work’ question amongst relatives you only see twice a year. You know it’s true. And as my show of thanks on this holiday to you, loyal friends, musicians, and blog-readers, I have included a comprehensive guide to winning that merciless game masqueraded under pleasantries. And in so doing, convincing both them, and the world, that you’re a rockstar.

It seems like a daunting task. But that’s because you’re not thinking about it in the right way. Just last night, as I was driving home, I saw a billboard for a musician playing at a casino. I have never heard of said musician. But yet the billboard described him as ‘legendary.’ And I wondered if that were true. Are there really actual tales of folklore around the country about this musician? No, of course not. But it’s one of those brilliant words that sounds instantly fantastic, but is impossible to measure. It was then that I realized that I needed a billboard. If you ever want to make it in this industry, you must have something published about yourself. Luckily, as billboards turn out to be more expensive than you’d think (I called), we have the internet. Where anyone can publish anything they like anytime they like saying anything they like, and in the end, it is still ‘published.’

So, when Uncle-I-Am-A-District-Manager-People-Are-Scared-Of-Me asks you, ‘How’s work’, you can simply take him to the website you created and say, ‘See what MusicianUniverse.wordpress.com had to say about me?’ (Which is an available website domain…I checked.) And it’s not a lie, if you run that website and say something about yourself. And then it can say something like this:

“Renowned guitarist Karl Verkade has recently been captivating audiences around the globe* with his emotional and ground-breaking new breed of ambient liturgical post-surf prog-fusion. His music has the nation in a frenzy the world has never before seen.** Since breaking onto the scene with his stirring and revolutionary debut Los Angeles performance***, Karl has continued to be hailed by fans and critics alike as the nation’s next great guitar player.**** He has shared the stage with artists such as Van Morrison, 30 Seconds to Mars, Nirvana, and David Bowie*****, has given tonal advice to John Mayer******, and is close personal friends with The Edge.******* Karl Verkade may just go down in history as the guitarist who gave music her heart back. If you have never heard his music, you owe it to yourself to listen in awe as sound and love intertwine and become one.”

(* Youtube is global.
** Frenzy may be defined in many ways, real or implied.
*** Karl Verkade has played in Los Angeles, California.
**** Karl is both a fan and a critic of his music.
***** Provided the Roxy has not renovated its stage since opening in 1973.
****** John Mayer is a member on The Gear Page message board, and Karl has posted public tone advice on afore-mentioned message board.
******* Friendship is defined by the amount of love in said friendship, not necessarily by the knowledge either party may or may not have of said friendship.)

It’s the beauty of a society in which no one cares about the fine print. You too can be famous. Just make yourself that way. Lots of usage of the word ‘legendary’ and all its synonyms therein. Remember, there are no half-truth’s. Only truth’s told in a creative way. hehe ;)

Splendid.
Karl.

P.S. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone. And in all seriousness, pretenses are dumb. And I’m the worst at setting them up around myself for some odd false semblance of a reality I’d rather have. But in actuality, it’s really, really easy to say something about yourself, whether it’s actually true or whether you can make yourself believe it to be true. It’s a lot harder to come to grips with who you are, and be comfortable enough in your own smallness to start paying real, tangible love and attention to those around you.

23 thoughts on “How to Convince the World You’re a Rockstar

  1. Agreed, but I always find myself trying to beat out other extended family members’ stories of how bad life is, not how amazing life/work is going. Maybe it is just my extended family where they all focus on how crappy things are and how they just aren’t lucky. I feel bad when I just have to say that things are pretty good or that I can’t complain.
    However, my family did recently find out about my blog for the first time and they were shocked. One of my sisters told me it was like learning I had a secret life none of them knew about. I did chuckle at that…since I have written every word of nonsense on my blog.
    Happy Thanksgiving and have a great time!

  2. Now all you need is a video where a man with an unnaturally deep voice reads this out and carefully edited videos from Sunday worship of you playing your guitar are played. Be sure not to catch any more of the worship band in the shot though – you wouldn’t want the potential fans to see you as ‘just one of those worship guitar players.’ ;)

  3. Karl, what a humbling experience it was reading your post; my own efforts at rock stardom seem so small now that I am ashamed to even post this menial comment, save for the fact that by doing so I may be at least associated with the rock king that is the Karlmiester, and may in some small way recover a smidgen of my pride and dignity. Have mercy on us, brother Karl, when you are round the Edge’s for a cup of tea and a chinwag, and remember the minions that follow your gargantuan escapades in the upper echelons of rock stardom!

    Diamond.

    David

    p.s. Happy Thanksgiving!

  4. haha Awesome comments, folks! And happy Thanksgiving.

    And for the record, musicianuniverse @ gmail.com is not me. lol It’s a mystery blog reader I guess.

  5. I didn’t find it, I made up Musician’s Universe off the top of my head when I wrote this post, and then that comment popped up. I’m guessing a reader read my post and then thought it would be funny to actually register the site I made up. I have nothing to do with it.

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