The Things I Can’t Understand
There are many things in life that baffle me. I shall endeavor to share some of those with you. Because it’s my blog, and I can.
- The guitarist who maintains that he doesn’t need effects, and proves it by showing me his studio recording of his guitar. His studio recording of his guitar that has been double-tracked, stereo-panned, doubled again, post-eq’d for different phrases, master reverb’d, and is that delay I hear?
- The guitarist who only plays analog delays…like Strymon.
- The worship musician who defends dishonest business practices from ‘Christian’ pedal builders, by professing that one can ‘feel the anointing’ in his or her pedals. So…can you feel the anointing in the original builder’s pedal, or does anointing only come from stealing a pedal and slapping a Bible verse on it?
- Wait, wait. I’ve got another one. The worship musician who defends dishonest business practices from ‘Christian’ pedal builders, by professing that one can ‘feel the anointing’ in his or her pedals. So if I blindfolded you, and turned on and off different pedals from ‘anointed’ and ‘un-anointed’ builders, you could choose the anointed ones? Or would you just end up choosing the ones with the most shimmer.
- The soundguy who tells me my amp is too loud, when my amp is sitting behind the unbaffled, acoustic cymbals being pounded like they just slapped Neil Peart’s mama.
- The soundguy who tells me my amp is too loud, so turn down and he’ll give me more in my monitor. Wait…my monitor and my amp are right next to each other facing the same way. So now you’re just telling me that I suck, aren’t you…and that any less volume from my amp can only possibly help the overall mix. I’m not saying you’re wrong, just that you need to find a better cover story.
- The guitarist who berates the soundguy for eq’ing his guitar on the board, but yet refuses to turn down whatever knob that’s driving ice picks into our ears.
- Pedals with internal trimpots. Makes them more versatile! Yes, it makes them more versatile for the one time I’ll actually have it off my pedalboard, with the bottom plate unscrewed, and am testing my guitar through an upside-down, open pedal, with a mini flathead screwdriver in my hand.
- Amps that don’t have light-up logos.
- Churches who stress that transitions must be smooth, practiced, and perfect, to show that we’re not about production. ????????????????
- I taught a guy at a gig the other day how to use a tuner. He has 2000% more facebook fans than I do. To be fair, he is also much better looking than I am.
- The Skreddy Lunar Module Deluxe. It simply cannot sound that good. And yet it does.
- Arion pedals. They go against everything you know about tone, and totally throw a wrench into the boutique mindset. And sound wonderful.
- Grace. And I’m not trying to be cliche here. It’s amazing, and yet unfathomable.
- How come Boss pedals never, ever break…except when in the Guitar Center Boss kiosk?
- Guitar Center in general. If you want to sell me an amp, can I please have a cable?
- Samash. If you want to sell me anything…does anyone even work here besides the security guard at the front who just yelled at me to climb down off the display case and put the guitar strings down. I honestly don’t know how else I’m supposed to buy strings here.
- The guitarist who knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Klon is just a tubescreamer clone, and all Klones sound exactly the same, with slightly less haunting mids. He’s never played any of them.
- Why guitar pedals sound better before anyone else has heard of the company yet.
- Why we in America (myself included) tend to care more about ‘what the Bible is saying to us’, rather than what the Bible is saying. We can tend to subconsciously water things down when trying to get personal meanings out of certain passages, rather than trying to discover what Jesus was actually trying to convey when He said those things.
- The worship guitarist who hates dotted 8th’s, but loves Nigel Hendroff.
- The guitarist who hates delays that digitize the dry signal, but bases most of his sound off of volume swells, in which the dry signal is not supposed to be heard. (Wait, that’s me! )
- That atU2.com forums. I have never seen a group of people who hate a band so much, hang out so much on a website sporting that band’s name. If you love U2, but are tired of being made fun of for loving U2 (most likely by people who closet-ly love U2), hang out on that message board. It’ll cure ya.
- How much money we spend on gear trying to sound like recordings that were made using gear we wouldn’t be caught dead playing.
- Us, for taking ourselves so incredibly seriously most of the time.
- And of course, this photo, taken by me at our local Ralph’s:
(Just what every kid wants. Without the creepy guy staring at you underwater.)
- Christmas Album, Charity, & a New Addition
- Baring My Soul in Music
- Twelve Things I Believe about Worship Music
- The Future of Christian Music is That Band I Listened to in Junior High While Playing Wolfenstein
- Pschew! Pschew! (Those are the Sounds of the Bullets)
- Worship Leading Choose Your Own Ending (Part 8)
- When God Says…Something Else
- A Guitarist’s Answers to Life’s Questions
- Worship Leading Choose Your Own Ending (Part 7)